Sebastian's Journal

4:30am: Driven.
I'm exhausted. The move is complete as of Wednesday night. We haven't unpacked yet. Lex took me for a great Sushi dinner though. The place I went had great sushi and even better vegetable tempura. I adore that place. Aside from that I've been talking about my comic a lot with my artist. We plan on seeking publication in Winter. We have all summer and fall to really work on things. We'll be submitting to Tokyopop under the working title "Cast Off Your Wings: The Jude Project" To top things off. I have to get a job until I am published.

You guys keep your fingers crossed and also send some good vibes and karma my way. I need it. I'm really nervous about the prospect of a company not publishing me. I think we have good chances with Tokyopop though. We have a good story with good themes that appeal to anime and manga fans. My scripting has never been better, and my artist is amazing. I think they'll see our work and publish us. Or at least. I truly hope so.

Now. For my big question. Should I publish under my Pen name, Sebastian S. Lexington, a shortened version of that S. S. Lexington, or..should I just go with my real name which I wish not to disclose. I think it's important I release this under the name Sebastian S. Lexington. But I'm just not positive on that yet.

The move was pretty stressful. But I've survived worse and frankly, it's nothing compared to some of the stuff I've been through. If I do get published I'll be able to stop working, and to top that off, I'll also be able to dye my hair green. If sales go really well, maybe I can buy a house. Lex and I could also then afford a wedding. It's about damn time. (I'll have my dream suit made. Deep lush green in a really sexy casual style. Something to match my hair and my glasses.) I swear upon everything holy I will look delicious at my wedding. I plan on being thin. Made up, and in a utterly delicious suit. Wonder what pretty little Lex will wear?

Ahhh. I can't stop dreaming about that day. It's going to be the greatest day I've ever known. Back when I was wiccan Lex and I did a handfesting. A comittment for a year and a day. We made it through that. With plent of hardships. And we love each other more than ever. I feel like I have so much hope for the future. I saw publication being a few years off, but now I see it being less than a year off. Gods I hope so. A wedding. A house. Breaking into the comic buissness on my first try. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything else.

And to be honest. This isn't what I want. I don't think anyone really picks up a pen one day and says "I'm going to be a writer". I think it's something you're called to do. Something you are summoned to do. Not by a voice, nor a spirit, nor silence, nor sound, but by the fires of the spirit that dwells inside of your body. You're summoned by the streets to write words of beauty and to tell stories. You don't just pick a pen and decide to be a writer. To be a writer. You are driven.

If I had any other talent, any other talent at all. I would lay down my pen, put it to rest, and do something more reasonable and rational. I would feel no shame in laying my words to rest. But. I possess no more talents then the one that frustrates me and drives me on far into corridors of my very soul. My soul must have the word "writer" upon it. I don't want to write. I don't want to tell the stories given to me. I want to write them down and eat them until ink runs down the corners of my mouth. I want to hold them deep inside of me so they can't be free to run amok within other people's minds.

And yet.

I won't. I can't. It's beyond me now.

I. Am. Driven.

12:15am: Move Almost Complete
All I have to do is bring over the clothes, posters, cds, wall scrolls, mags, books, and some more food. Then we clean. And we'll be done. I hate that apartment.

Anyway, stolen from somewhere else:


01. Who was the first J-rock Band you heard?:
Probably Gackt

02. Who's the most recent J-rock Band you've heard?
Moi dix mois

03. Who's your favorite J-rock Band?:
Hands down. Plastic Tree.

04. Name 5 other Bands you Like:
Luna Sea, Bump of Chicken, Kagra, Buck-Tick, Garnet Crow

05. Are you a fangirl/boy?
Hell no.

06. If yes, of Who?
Null

07. Do you cosplay?
Yes

08. Who?:
Ryutarou one day.

09. Do you like Dir en grey?
Not really.

10. Are you a Toshiya fangirl?
no.
11. How about Kaoru?
no

12. Die?
no

13. Kyo?
Short and nice voice, but no.

14. Shinya?
No.

15. What's your favorite Deg song?
none

16. Do you like visual bands or non-visual bands?
Both.

17. What's the first J-rock song you heard?
I don't remember, but it was Malice Mizer

18. What's the last song you heard?
Forever and Ever by Luna Sea

19. Do you buy J-rock magazines?
Yep.

20. What's your favorite?
I'm partial to Shoxx.

21. Have you ever been to any J-rock concerts?
One.

22. Which ones?
Dual Jewel. (I should be ashamed to admit this.)

23. What would you do if you saw any J-rocker walking down the street?:
It would depend on who it was. If it was Ryutarou I'd give him a lollipop and take him to the zoo to see pandas.

24. Which three JRockers are you most in love with?:
Ryutarou, Tadashi, Gackt

25. Which three JRockers would you most love to meet in person (Dead or alive)?
Ryutarou, Gackt, Mana

26. What are the three things you would like to say to/ask them?:
Ryutarou: Wanna go see some obscure movie?
Gackt: Can I please offer you my humble bathing services?
Mana: Your beauty sickens me.

27. Which three JRockers can you relate to most?
I don't know any of them personally. But from what I've read and such I'd say only Ryutarou.

28. Which three JRock songs do you constantly replay?
Nukegara (Plastic Tree), Forever and Ever (Luna Sea), Tremolo (Plastic Tree)

29. Do you currently have a JRocker computer background?
Nope.

30. Which JRocker would you most like to get fashion/makeup advice from?
Akira or Mana.

31. Do you read JRock fan fiction?
GOD NO.

32. What is your favorite JRocker related dream?
I don't dream about thsoe types of things

33. How many JRock MP3s do you have?
Four gigs maybe? Not too much.

34. And, finally, if you could sleep with any three JRockers, who would they be?:
Miyavi, Gackt, or Akira.

10:10pm: Man I've been busy
Getting the apartment ready for move out, cleaning, swimming, writing my comic, working on some poetry, cooking, just being busy in general.

Life is hectic, life is good. I'm content as hell. I'm not as fussy as normal and frankly, I'm happy about moving to a new apartment. These apartments are total shit.

Chris is gone and all is peaceful, he left one hell of a mess behind though. His bathroom is horrid, but half way clean now thanks to one of my friends. This coming week we begin moving everything. That'll be pretty fun. Well, alright. Not really.

Tuesday I go see Zwan.

All is right with the world until it all goes to hell!

8:41am: April 4
He moves tomorrow. Fucking thank goodness. I'm finally starting to get a little better. My stomach is still extremely sensative and I'm still tired and such. Been resting and working on my RPG and comic stuff mostly. I wanted to listen to my Moby cd but I can't figure out how to turn the PS2 on. I feel so dumb.

I'm hungry as hell with nothing to eat.

7:49am: April Second.
Three more days until Chris moves out. And a month for Lex and I to get the apartment spotless. Oh that's fine. Our friends agreed to help out and everyone will help us clean the apartment up. In exchange for one last party and lots of pizza. We see this as a fair trade.

Yesterday was a horrible day. I had to go to the hospital over my stomach. They say I have a nasty viral infection and they have no idea what caused it. So they give me some medecine that won't help much and send me home. To top it off, the bill was 375 dollars. Blood test. Urine test. Doctor listening to my stomach = 375. I'm still sick and tired. Damn I'm an april fool. I can't believe we paid that much.

So then we go try to adopt a kitten. That didn't work out. Our cat Echo isn't current on all of his shots. So we couldn't adopt. We plan on adopting one once we move and get Echo's shots.

A bit of good news is this though: I may have an artist for my comic. We've been talking a lot and we seem to work out really well together thus far. We plan on maybe doing a short story for Mangaphile and submitting it to Radiocomix. I hope it all works out. She has a great art style and I have a damn good writing style.

Anyway. That's all for now. My stomach feels bad. I'm going back to sleep.

7:11am: Exhausted
I'm continually drained. I've stopped working on the war collage for the moment. My allergies are killing me. My head was pounding. At least it let up finally. We went and looked at the apartment yesterday. We ended up getting a one bed room at a really good price. I plan on getting a job so we can survive through this all. Gods I'm just too tired. I slept for five hours yesterday during the day. Then at least six tonight. And I'm still just so tired. It's hard for me to think right now. Too hard. I'm going to go try to get some more sleep.

3:48pm: It's the kind of day on which a blue bird might fly
I'm exhausted. Tired. And hungry. My freezer broke and I need to go get the matnience guy to fix it in a little while. I haven't been writing lately but Pag gave me some good ideas to try.

Right now I feel as if I have too many poems being built inside my head. There are these childrens abc blocks and there are little wing-ed demons turning them over and over until they create the words, and until they create the phrases, until finally the blocks write out entire poems. And the little wing-ed beasty imps seem to be working with too many blocks, giving me too many thoughts, and just draining me and making my head hurt. God my head hurts.

Chris is moving out when the lease is up. I found another place to live. 3 Moves within seven months now. I can't handle this third move. Not well anyway. I mean. This place finally became home. And bam. It's over. It's gone. The tree outside shed it's leaves and now that they are growing back it's my turn to shed my skin and leave.

I thought awhile back when I came home that it was like a true homecoming. But I suppose not. I'm not really so sad. Just tired. Too tired for my own good. My mind is dealing with those abc blocks, the war collage, the television, the computer, the current situation, my novel, the comic projects, my friends, the studying I've been doing.

Speaking of studying. I created a study out of my walk in closet. There are papers and pictures on the walls, a desk in the back against a wall. Candles on the desk, books on the desk, writing supplies. All sorts of things for occult study and writing. I'm spending at least 30 minutes in there a day. If only to drink water and read. It helps me, keeps me distracted. Like everything else does.

I think maybe more sleep might be good. Have to get my freezer taken care of first though.

3:22pm: Reasons for Writers Block
Just wanted to post and let everyone know why I'm scarce lately. I'm working on many things (A collage called "The Mosaic of War") It's made of newspaper clippings and pictures and words and it's taking forever to complete. Because I have about 5 unused newspapers. They are starting to stack up.

Plus the Tarot card project. Bought a blank deck and I'm drawing my own.

My comics. I'm working on two of them at the moment.

Sooo, poetry isn't coming to me at all. As soon as it is I'll post it either to here or bent quills. And yes, I still plan on reading and commenting.

3:17pm: Too Many Projects All At Once!
Just wanted to post and let everyone know why I'm scarce lately. I'm working on many things (A collage called "The Mosaic of War") It's made of newspaper clippings and pictures and words and it's taking forever to complete. Because I have about 5 unused newspapers. They are starting to stack up.

Plus the Tarot card project. Bought a blank deck and I'm drawing my own.

My comics. I'm working on two of them at the moment.

Sooo, poetry isn't coming to me at all. As soon as it is I'll post it either to here or bent quills. And yes, I still plan on reading and commenting.

3:05am: Today is the greatest...
day I've ever known. Well. Maybe not totally, but it was good. I began to realize things about myself. And I also began to really think about my direction in life. I want to own a vegetarian resturant. I need to go to school though and take nutrition and culinary arts. I guess resturant work is in my blood. I did it with my family long ago (they owned one!).

I also decided to try something from now on. I'm going to list what I eat each day in my diary. Stupid, yes, but I think it could be interesting.

Today:

Breakfast: Mac n Cheese, Mashed Potatoes, Soda

Lunch: Two slices of lowfat vegetarian pizza, water,

Dinner: Garden burger with cheese on cajun cornbread, water

Snackage: Walnuts with honey, water, water, water, water

Breakfast was gross. Maybe I'll start eating egg whites and toast instead.

10:25pm: It would be so easy...
Just to pack up and leave. Chris is dating the psycho girl. Not fucking kidding. I hate this. She does everything just to annoy me I swear. The only reason I can't leave is because I want to work things out with Lex. But if Josie continues to come here and harass me, I can't work out anything. I seriously need to call her parents and have a nice long talk with them. But I can't bring myself to. I'm afraid Chris will move out. And if he does, we loose the apartment. Right now I feel very trapped.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

2:37am: In your total essence, you are already complete.
Drama. Too much of it for my taste. So I find out that Chris is now dating the psycho chick. Oh my god my life is hell. I had a huge fight with Lex tonight. I'm a very non-violent person but when I blow up things can get really ugly. I blew up.

Needless to say Lex sat on my hips and restrained me and screamed at me. Telling me to calm down, and that I couldn't leave the apartment. That I couldn't go home. That I couldn't just leave him like that. He wanted to fix things.

Well. One of my hands came loose from his grip and I tried to push him off of me. Long story short, my hand missed and hit his nose. It bled and I freaked out. I started bawling my eyes out. I felt like an abusive boyfriend for the first time in my life. It hurt so badly. After that I tried to leave again and Lex grabbed me and tried pulling me away from the door. Needless to say we lost our balance and I fell and cracked my wrist on the floor. He twisted his ankle in the process and fell right on top of me and my wrist.

So now I've got this wrist and it's hurting still, probably a bit sprained, luckily not broken. We talked for a long time and he told me that I need to start loving myself. I need to be at peace with myself. Because until I'm loving myself and at peace with myself I can't truly love others or be at peace with them. I think he's right.

I'm not going where life is trying to take me. I should, I truly should. If I just let life take me to where I need to be then I'd be a lot happier as a person. I know that this trip is necessary. It's very important to my soul.

Speaking of my soul. It's time to do a lot of soul searching on my part. It's time to read, learn, and start living again.

My zen boy was right about something. We all have our answers, we just don't know how to find them. I kept looking to him for my answers, but now I know they are within myself. He just gave me the courage to find them.

If you're reading this, boy, thank you.

By being what you are, and showing me your true nature, and telling me the words that I did need to hear, you helped me begin my journey to finding my soul again, by just being the true you.

You gave me more by showing me your imperfections and your fear of life than you ever could have given me through showing only your beautiful charming side. I will always cherish the real you.

Your words didn't sink in until my talk with Lex. Then I understood them perfectly.

Maybe you aren't reading this, and maybe this is silly. But I just want you to know, that in your imperfections you have touched me.

11:14pm: Of Mice and Little Girls
Well. Today ended up being interesting. When the crazy girl came back I bit into her and said some really nasty things. Same with Chris. I let him have it. Chris apologized and took her home. She's not allowed in my apartment or around Lex or Chris anymore. Chris will still see her, that's his problem, not mine. However, Lex will not see her anymore.

I nearly got up and socked that little bitch in the face. But, I'm beyond that, and so, I took a deep breath and just said "leave" and with that, Chris took her home. Normally, I wouldn't dislike a person so much. But she is causing serious problems in my home life and within my relationships. And so, with her gone, that takes away much undue stress. I feel wonderful now. Even if I said some nasty things.

6:15pm: If I was a pirate.
I would scream ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG. But I'm not. So instead I'll just calmly write in my journal. Lex came home earlier and we went to get some food. That was good. We had lunch at Mijo's and it was great. Well, then we came home and both fell asleep, go figure.

Well, so, I wake up with this splitting god awful headache. And then Chris and the crazy girl who I want to murder come home. With mice. I love mice, don't get me wrong. But I know this girl will not take care of mice. They will die within a week and I'll want to smack the shit out of her. Beyond that, Chris is an idiot for letting her take the mice from the person she took them from.

Frankly, her parents will be angry and hopefully they won't let her come over again. That's all I really can hope for. Not to mention, Chris taped some porno for her. Now that pisses me off. He doesn't realize what kind of Stupid he's playing with. He's going to end up in jail, I swear.

1:07pm: Waking up alone
Is the single most strange event, after you've been with someone for two years. I mean, sure, I woke up alone when he went to work. And I woke up alone when he went to get dinner sometimes. But.. this waking up alone was very very different. This waking up alone was melancholy and sad, dream like though.

The birds are singing, the sky is grey though, but it's still warm. The bed was empty, save for me, and the house was dead silent. I felt strange. So strange. I forced myself up to see if anyone was still here, and as I walked through the apartment I knew I was alone.

The white marker board read a message that was very simple: "I've gone with Chris, call me cell phone." Naturally, I called his phone. So he's out with Chris, and the girl he loves. And I'm alone.

Maybe it hurts to some extent. But I won't lie about how peaceful the apartment seems. Even if it is empty and silent.

1:37pm: Ohhh yeah!
Zwan tickets in hand, veggie burger in stomach, about to take clothes to the laundry room. Juice sitting on desk. Bast is a happy happy boy. I think it's time to do some writing while I'm in a good mood. Maybe work on my comics a little bit. I should post about my comics here sometime..

8:53am: Merrrrrrrg
My unpleasant sound. I just woke up and it's way too god damned early. My head hurts and I just took a shower, I'm starving to death on top of everything. Well, at Eleven I get my Zwan tickets, I used to be a big fan of the Smashing Pumpkins (And naturally, Billy Corgan and James Iha). So I've tracked both of their careers and I'm happy about Zwan, it's something new. Something that I think Billy has wanted for a long time. Pumpkins were more angsty more sad.

Zwan has a happier sound so far. It feels like Corgan has come full circle. I can't wait to buy their album and see their concert. It's their first concert in Dallas too, and I'll finally be able to see Billy Corgan. I missed all of his concerts when he was with the Pumpkins.

Mmn. Maybe some food would be good, and some clean clothes, and more sleep, and Zwan tickets. Maybe today will be much better than yesterday. Well, that's all for now. Merrrrrrg.

8:17pm: I never expected this:

Optimism


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6:52pm: And so..
Lex ended it. I'll still live here, I'll still sleep in that bed, I'll still be loved by him. But... we won't be together?

He calls it setting the relationship free. I call it a broken promise. Maybe.. it's for the best. This day has been too rough. I'm going to eat and take some illicit drugs and then once I'm content.. I'll sleep. Maybe I'll call the boy with the Zen voice again. Maybe he can make it all better, if only for a little while. God. I'm pathetic.

4:46pm: This boy
So, I met this boy. This really beautiful writer, he amazes me. Makes me want to live life again. Makes me want to remember when the world was so sweet, when the clouds were still castles and fluffy white turtles, when the trees spoke in sacred poetry, and every single bird had a name that belonged to only it.

I've been broken for so long, but he makes me want to rebuild, to love all things again. He's making me remember how unafraid I used to be. How healed I once was. And now I see myself now. Like a run down city. Neon lights, headaches, lonliness, the thoughts of a thousand unhappy people all bundled up within the confines of my head.

He makes me want to cry it out, to speak in their voices, to hold them and paint pictures of their formless forms.

I want to hold him in my arms, the windows open while it rains, a cigarette between his lips, me sipping some tea with honey in it, my fingers in his hair, his fingers in my heart, my eyes closed as I speak soft sweet poetry and words of life into his ear. I want to hold him until we're both broken beyond belife, until we start to see life again, until we both heal again, until we both are ready to move from the bed, and the window, and the cigarette, and the tea, and the poetry and words of life, and the world it's self.

And then we'll move. We'll go have Sushi. See a movie at the art theater. Ride the trains. Observe together. Then, when he falls asleep, I'll cover him in a blanket and watch and listen. Because I know when he murmurs in his sleep, his words will open gateways into my soul, which his eyes have already seen. He has something to teach me. All people do.

But I know that he holds some sort of key into the soul that I've forgotten.

Do I love the boy? Not in the way most people percieve love. I don't love him sexually. I love him in a pure way. A way that I can't explain unless you've experienced it. Or maybe, try this on for size. The way you love whichever diety you worship. The way you love a great teacher. The way you would love Buddha. It's not sexual. It's pure, gentle, and soft. That's the kind of love I hold for him. Innocent love.

I can't wait to meet him. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to. His voice feels to me, like I've heard it a thousand times over in my dreams. In my past lives. In my soul it's self.

Where have I known you, you old soul?

How long have I known you, boy?

It feels like forever.

I hope I find it

3:35pm: Long Long Ago
When I was still a young lad, I was actually kicked off of pathetic.org for jokingly telling someone that they should save themselves while they still could and leave the site.

The tone was joking, the guy knew I was joking, everyone knew, I was joking. But, some people, who I will not name, because I'm a very polite human being (Right....), kicked me off. Six months later I was let back on as Misty K. Alexander. But, I requested a name change, as I'm a very different person, and I'm a very writer. He agreed and changed my name.

I was nothing but honest in my journal as to the fact that I'm a transexual. And apperantely I get called a Lesbian and a Woman. Funny. I'm male and flamingly bisexual. Well, after correcting the guy, Gavin goes on and says "Sebastian, last time we talked I could have sworn you were female". Well, maybe you should consult me about such things in private. Not in message boards.

Another funny thing? Gavin gave a beautiful response to me when I said the world wasn't black or white, that there were a million shades of gray. This is my journal response to what he said.

Take this quote: The problem is you've been conditioned to see shades of Gray because the Black doesnt want you to see the White.
(Gavin's Quote)

Replace the words shades of gray with: the world on neutral grounds

Replace the word black with: Devil

Replace the word white with: truth

The problem is you've been conditioned to see the world on neutral grounds because the devil doesn't want you to see the truth.

Hmmmm. That makes far too much sense. I can honestly say I never expected to see anything that blatantly arrogant here on pathetic.org. I was sadly sadly mistaken. I think I'm going to post happy beautiful quotes now. Quotes to make people see beauty. Yes. There is no reason for ugliness here. Not at all.

(End rant)

Wow. I really was sadly mistaken about PPS. I wonder what My Internet Mommy Cassie Blake is going to think about this. Anyone know how to get in touch with her?

2:34pm: It's a beautiful day
Yes it is. Well. I left pathetic.org. But here I am now. I plan on making a new poetry site, one with more open minded people. That's what poetry is about yes? Hm.